People sometimes worry too much about scores - its as much about the experience of trying something new, and the setting you try it in, as it is a whisky. That said, sometimes a score does help put things into perspective. So, we use a simple 1 to 5 rating system for our whisky.
1: Poor – There is no bad whisky. There are only some whiskies that aren't as good as others. Pick one of the others.
2: Acceptable – Let someone else buy you a measure and you can cook with it, maybe you can even add it to the food.
3: Good – Buy a measure of it. Everybody's got to believe in something. We believe we’ll have another of these.
4: Very Good – Buy a bottle of it because alcohol can be a man’s worst enemy and the bible says love your enemy.
5: Outstanding – This is best drink in existence, the effect of which is like having your brains smashed out with a slice of lemon wrapped round a large gold brick.
We also review whisky bars around the world, and again a simple scoring scale can help gauge the quality of these establishments. For bars, we split the review into three parts: the venue; the atmosphere; and, of course, the whisky selection. For each category, the bar can get a score of 1 to 3.
1: Poor – The only difference between this place and a prison is the alcohol, it’s better in jail
2: Good –It’s a bit like the beginning of a party before everyone has had enough to drink, but it has potential
3: Outstanding – Worth going out of your way for. First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you
1: Poor – You can get drunk here, but drinking just to get drunk is like having sex just to get pregnant
2: Good – Outside the mainstay bottles which, taken in sufficient quantities, may produce all the effects of drunkenness
3: Outstanding – An exceptional selection that will make you feel bad for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.
1: Poor – Nothing special, the kind of bar where everyone knows your name, as long as your name is ‘Hey’
2: Good – Get your friends to go with you; drunken men give some of the best pep talks
3: Outstanding – This is your new local. Go, even by yourself, it’s a great advantage to not drink among hard drinking people