The scores we use, here at TopWhiskies


People worry too much about scores - its as much about the experience of trying something new, and the setting you try it in, as it is a whisky.  That said, sometimes a score does help put things into perspective. So, we use a simple 1 to 5 rating system for our whisky, and a 1 to 3 rating system for our bars.

TopWhiskies rating for whisky

1/5 – There is no bad whisky. There are only some whiskies that aren't as good as others. Pick one of the others. 

2/5 – Let someone else buy you a measure and you can cook with it, maybe you can even add it to the food. 

3/5 – Buy a measure of it. Everybody's got to believe in something. We believe we’ll have another of these.

4/5 – Buy a bottle of it because alcohol can be a man’s worst enemy and the bible says love your enemy.  

5/5 – This is best drink in existence, the effect of which is like having your brains smashed out with a slice of lemon wrapped round a large gold brick.   

Rating for bars: the venue 

1/3 – The only difference between this place and a prison is the alcohol, it’s better in jail    

2/3 –It’s a bit like the beginning of a party before everyone has had enough to drink, but it has potential 

3/3 – Worth going out of your way for. First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you

Rating for bars: the whisky selection  

1/3 – You can get drunk here, but drinking just to get drunk is like having sex just to get pregnant

2/3 – Outside the mainstay bottles which, taken in sufficient quantities, may produce all the effects of drunkenness

3/3 – An exceptional selection that will make you feel bad for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.

Rating for bars: the atmosphere 

1/3 – Nothing special, the kind of bar where everyone knows your name, as long as your name is ‘Hey’  

2/3 – Get your friends to go with you; drunken men give some of the best pep talks

3/3 – This is your new local. Go, even by yourself, it’s a great advantage to not drink among hard drinking people